Problem:

How many parents do you know that try to be cool? Are they young parents or older parents?

Teenagers are often embarassed of their parents because of the age differences, the cultural difference each party has grown up in (i.e; Parents growing up in the 70’s, teenagers growing up in the 2000’s), and the simple fact that teenagers don’t want to do stuff in front of their parents, because its uncool.

The solution to this problem from most parents? They try to be cool. Well, when a parent tries to be cool, they often sacrifice some of the qualities that make them A PARENT. Note the below situation that recently came out in the news at Yahoo:

Mom Pleads Guilty to Hosting Sex Parties
A woman who told police she wanted to be a “cool mom” pleaded guilty to sexual assault charges Monday for having sex with high school boys at parties where authorities said she supplied drugs and alcohol.

Silvia Johnson, 40, pleaded guilty to two misdemeanor counts of sexual assault and nine felony counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. As part of a plea agreement, prosecutors dropped two counts of distribution of methamphetamine.

“She described herself as a “cool mom,” Detective R.J. Vander Veen wrote in the affidavit. He said Johnson told investigators “she was never popular with classmates in high school and now began “feeling like one of the group.”

This is obviously an extreme example of a parent ‘trying’ to be cool, but unfortuntely, the reality is that ALOT of parents are doing similar things. Maybe not as far as having sex with the boys, but parents are hosting parties where alcohol is involved, sometimes drugs, and they allow the teenagers to be as wild as they want, but in the comfort of their own homes.

Again, though, the problem lies in the fact that the parents are no longer BEING PARENTS. Being a parent is making responsible choices for your children and doing what is best for them, not what is cool. Parents are too lenient in today’s society.

Answer:

[IF] you are one of these ‘cool’ parents, you really need to sit down with your spouse and ask yourselves whether your decisions are really in the best interest of your child.

One of the typical rationales, that are partly valid, is that the parents know the teenagers are going to drink, so they would rather the drinking take place in their home versus someone else’s home without parental supervision.

Here is one of the drawbacks to this. MANY of the teenagers coming to this party KNOW they will have free booze and have a great time, even though they know its moderated by an adult, and when I say moderated, I mean they are probably IN the house somewhere. Being in the house does not constitute moderating the situation. If you are upstairs and the kids are downstairs, you aren’t moderating a damn thing. The girls at the party are probably downstairs hosting a rainbow party while you, the parent, are sitting upstairs watching Animal Planet.

One issue with hosting your own alcohol party is that there are SO MANY other teenagers involved. Did their parents sign permission slips allowing them to come to an alcohol party, or did you just assume that because YOU are a GOOD parent, that its ok for them to be at your party. WRONG!

There are PLENTY of parents who would never approve of their child attending an alcohol party. Alot of the teenagers parents probably have NO CLUE their teenager is at an alcohol party.

My point is that you need to learn to be a parent. Being a good parent with strict rules does NOT mean you CAN’T be cool. There are plenty of awesome parents who are very strict in our society. The difference between them and the parents ‘trying’ to be cool by hosting parties, is that they have plenty of rules and guidelines in place to protect their child.

Responsibility

The biggest thing that parents sometimes forget to leave out of their ‘parenting handbook’ is responsibility.

When you raise your child, the most appropriate thing to do is teach them responsibility for their actions. The child or teenager needs to realize that there is a cause and effect to life. If you drink and drive, for example, its not the teenagers life that is the only one in risk of being hurt. Its EVERYONE involved.

Example:

John, 16, has had a few beers at a local party, he is underage, but what does he care. He hops in his brand new 2005 Mustang that his parents bought for him a couple weeks ago (see ignorant below). He drives off to head to another party, you know, so he can drink some more. Well, John has been in plenty of health classes and knows that his reaction times will be impaired due to the consumption of alcohol, but John is your typical teen, and that means that what teachers and books say, won’t happen to him.

So John is laid back, enjoying his music and his travling about 60 mph (20 over the speed limit). He doesn’t realize it, but his car is drifting into the other lane (the on-coming traffic lane). Luckily for him, there are no cars on the road.

A bend in the road is coming up, and of course, because John is laid back and not paying a whole hell of alot attention, he goes around the bend, except he is not in his lane. Well, at the exact same time, a car is coming the other way. It just happens to be a family of 4 coming back from vacation and they have been on the road all day long.

BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John wakes up in the hospital room. He is bandaged up and has a broken hip and a broken arm, but he is alive. He was lucky. A police officer comes in the room. He begins telling John of the accident, what happened, who was involved, etc…

The officer tells John that his blood alcohol level is 0.23, well above the legal limit, except that John is underage. The police officer also expresses some sad news. 3 of the passengers in the car were killed. 2 little girls and the mother. The father was badly injured and is currently having surgury for internal bleeding.

The officer begins reading John his rights because John has committed reckless homicide while under the intoxication of alcohol of an underage minor. John will be going to jail because of his decisions to have a good time that night. He has ruined the lives of an entire family, not even considering how deep that family tree goes.

When someone is killed, it doesn’t just affect that particular person’s life. It affects many family members who cared and loved that individual. It will affect the lives of the parents of John, the friends of John, and even the authorities who had to work on the case.

I don’t consider the above an extreme example. The scenario is VERY likely to happen at any time in our world.

When you host a drinking party for your teenager, you are exposing them not only to a world of problems, but you are endorsing the fact that its ok for them to behave in an inappropriate manner, especially at their age.

Its irresponsible.

What’s a parent to do?

Thats not really for me to say. I can’t TELL YOU how to be a parent. Thats your job…but I can offer advice as to make better decisions.

Again, being a parent is not about being your child’s best friend. Its not about being cool. Its not about letting your child get away with everything because YOU LOVE THEM. Of course you love them, they are your kids. However, you need to draw a line in the sand about what is considered being cool, and what is considered being a parent.

Taking your kid to an amusement park is COOL. Hosting an alcohol party for your kid is NOT COOL. Throwing a backyard bon-fire for your teenager without the alcohol is a COOL get together. Introducing alcohol, drugs, and sex to your teenager in a party environment is NOT COOL.

Are you starting to see the difference? For EVERYONE in this life, there are consequences for your actions. If your child does something stupid, there are consequences. If a parent does something stupid, there are consequences.

The only advice I think I can say that makes the most sense is learn to guide your children through their teenage years. Help them, teach them, grow them…but don’t give in to things you might, in your heart, feel is wrong simply because you want to be their friend or be cool. Teenagers have plenty of friends. They look to you to be their parent. If you begin acting like their friend, what gives you any authority over their decisions as they grow through their younger years? Not a whole lot if you are always saying YES.

Learn to say NO. Be strong. If you don’t approve of something they are wearing, doing, saying… then say NO.

Will your kid be pissed? Absolutely. Will they get over it. Absolutely. Parents have this fear that their kids will hate them. Nobody wants to be hated. So instead of being hated, they want to be a buddy and a pal.

Teach your child responsibility. If your kid drinks at a party who gets caught by the cops, maybe your kid needs to spend a night in jail. Sure, it is hard for any parent to make a decision like that, but if you bail them out within minutes of them arriving, they are probably more likely to hop back into having trouble.

ACTION

Your teenager does something stupid or irresponsible.

REACTION

Punish them. Not by whipping or beating, but take something of value from that child. Do they have a car? Take it away for a month. Do they have a video game system. Take it away for a couple weeks.

You have to be strong and stick to your guns. If you give the car back after 1 week or the video game system after a couple days, then your authority hasn’t stuck. They will continue to do something irresponsible because they know there are no REAL consequences to their actions.

Make your punishment sting, but not damage. They need to realize that if they do something stupid again, they will experience an effect for their actions.

Ignorance

These are some items that I think are just ignorant for parents to do for their child as they grow up.

• Buy them a brand new car at 16. This is stupid. Teenagers are not experienced drivers at the age of 16. Chances are, when they are 16 they will either get a ticket or being a minor accident.
• Host parties that contain alcohol. Again, your ignorant if you do this for your kid. The only positive to this situation is that they are drinking in YOUR home, not someone elses.
• Never say the word NO. Again, ignorant. Parents need to learn to stand their ground. Yes, it will cause fights and you will see tears, but…your child will eventually respect WHY you stand your ground.