Posted by: JamBoy

So I just got back from a trip with a "friend." Basically, we drove 6 hours North for 5 days in order to drink, get some sun, swim, drink, and if we were really bored, drink some more. Five days and $550 later, I'm still feeling hung-over and pretty much like death taking a shit. And the worst part? I never wanted to go on the trip in the first place.

Hello. My name is Tom, and I am incapable of saying "no" to people.

Why?

So I decided, rather than just sitting here sipping tea and regretting every pitcher, margarita and shot that I consumed over the last 5 days I should do a little research. Why wasn't I able to tell my "friend" to go fly a kite? I KNEW I wasn't going to have a good time on this little "vacation," but why did I decide to say "yes" anyway? In short, how do you tell somebody "no?"

To make a long story a little shorter, I've been surfing the web for awhile, and I'd like to share my findings with you.

The first site I visited was Online Organizing. Instead of giving me some insight into the inner-workings of my brain to help me determine WHY exactly I'm incapable of saying no, it listed various "viable" excuses to use that are both polite and P.C.

Anything from "I am not comfortable with that," to "I need to focus more on my personal life" was listed. I guess the most useful thing about this site were the recurring themes throughout the list: like understanding your limits (i.e. using pitchers of beer as DRINKING GLASSES when I know I couldn't possibly drink that much), knowing what you truly enjoy (not feeling like crap every morning), realizing that it's okay to be selfish "sometimes" by putting your personal needs first. So while at first glance I wasn't very impressed with the information on the site, I was starting to glean some important life lessons that I wish I had known before I decided to embark on this little journey to the North.

The next link I clicked led me to the University of Florida's Counseling Center. This is where I started to get to the meat of my problem.

Consequences

The site went into some detail about how I might be saying "yes" because I'm "afraid of damaging a relationship" or "losing a relationship" by saying no. By treating a relationship in this manner, you believe that the relationship is "fragile" and dependent upon you saying "yes" all the time. Which of course isn't true. No true "friendship" could ever be so fragile. Friendships are a lot of give and take. Alright, touché Counseling Center.

Then the site hit me with another big truth: "By feeling responsible for another's feelings, you're taking away their right to be responsible for their OWN feelings." Aha. By that logic, by saying "yes" all the time, not only are you being more considerate of others than you are of yourself, but you're working double-time. You're doing somebody else's work for them. Well doesn't that suck.

Emotional Hooks

Then a suggestion was made: identify those "emotional hooks" that are keeping you from saying "no." By doing so, you are able to take more of a realistic look at the demands being made of you. For example, my initial thought when my friend asked me to go up to New York to drink–as "catastrophic" as it may sound–was along the lines of: "if I say no, he'll be mad at me and will probably reconsider being my friend." I think we can safely assume almost 99.9% of the time my friend would still be my friend even if I told him that I would rather play with cat vomit than go drinking with him for 5 days straight. Well, maybe not like that. But you get the point.

Another truth was brought to my attention. By saying "yes" when you really want to say "no," you will inevitably be opening the door for frustration and anger (I bet you would never guess that I'm a little frustrated right now), as well as opening the door for people to continue making unreasonable demands of you in the future.

Well great. Don't want THAT to happen.

But it's very true. Saying "no" instantly gets you off the hook for doing something you didn't want to do in the first place. Again, it sounds common-sensical and dumb, but if I had just done my own thing instead of following my "friends'" plans, I would be a happier person right now. Well, at least my LIVER would be a lot happier right now.

Before I move onto the next site, there was one more thing I'd like to include: the site mentioned that saying "no" can be done with a little bit of style. Be assertive, make eye-contact, make sure your non-verbal gestures match your tone and be "non-apologetic." As much as I'd like to argue with those last few points, they're right. You need to be assertive to get what you want.

MomMD

Finally, I visited MomMD. Yes, I'm a raging heterosexual MALE and I visited this site. But take it easy on me. I needed help. And who better to give it than a bunch of intelligent mom's?

This site smacked me in the face with a HUGE piece of meaningful text right off the bat: saying "no" can help to define who I am. Now that's deep. And in thinking about it, it's very logical too. If you simply do EVERYTHING with EVERYBODY, what is it exactly that you're all about?

Then the site talked about "burnout." Now after working in a restaurant for 3 years and now working as a caddie, I know what it's like to work in stressful, fast-paced environments. Trust me: the time you spend outside of work has to be YOUR TIME. You have worked your ass off all day. Whatever free time you have, you have to protect it like a freakin' hawk protects its infants. The fact that I'm saying "yes" to everyone is hurting much of my free time. I have no time to myself. That means, to some extent, I'm working overtime. Everyday. And that's a problem. That is the true definition of "burnout." It's when work seems to be the only thing you were put on this planet to do. And that needs to stop. Life is too short.

When in doubt, say “NO”

The last important tidbit of information this site had to share was quite priceless in my opinion: if you're really not sure if the answer is "yes" or "no," say "no." You can always think about it and change your mind. By saying "yes," you've already committed yourself to it. Good thoughts. True, true.

So while I didn't get to do anything I truly wanted to do on this little "vacation," I have learned a valuable lesson: saying "no" is a very powerful and necessary function of your life. By not saying it when you need to, not only are you adding undue stress and frustration into your already hectic schedule, but you are not allowing yourself to take responsibility for the one person that really matters: you. Friends are great. I know this. But by saying "yes" too often, you're detracting from who you really are or who you really want to be. And in truth, that will hurt both your friends and yourself in the end.